By: Amal Al-Sibai

MARRIAGE brings together two different people, from a family, upbringing, educational background, lifestyle, and sets of priorities that can be starkly different. It is going to take respect, flexibility, acceptance, and understanding from both partners until they acclimate themselves to their new home together. Some bad habits can be tolerated.

Ladies in happy marriages tolerate their hubbies’ annoying habits: sitting motionless in front of the TV for hours, the high volume of the TV (which is incomprehensible since he is sitting just 3 feet away from the screen), or the fact that he needs to be reminded 5 times to take the trash out, or how he leaves his socks lying around.

And men in successful marriages learn how to let the small things pass: her nail-biting habit, or 1 hour long showers, or when her 5 minutes to get ready extend to 45 minutes, or picky eating, or her insistent need for coffee in the morning.

However, some bad habits, over time, can become unbearable and can damage the relationship. Physical or emotional abuse is not allowed in Islam, but this article is not about abuse.

This article is about the decent, God-fearing husband and wife who are sincerely trying to make their marriage last. With no intention of blaming the woman for all marital trouble, today’s focus is on her and some behavioral patterns that may threaten marital happiness.

For over 10 years, Mai Salman has been helping couples whose marriages are failing, and with training and counseling, they have found the ‘happily ever after’. Mai has identified the 6 most common mistakes that some women make.

Complaining; the tendency to complain about everything (the major problems and the petty disturbances in life). A woman who is always dissatisfied makes her husband feel inadequate; this can have a negative impact on the relationship. A Muslim scholar once admonished a man who was telling his problems to someone else, “Your situation was decreed by God, the All-Merciful, the All-Compassionate, and All-Powerful. Yet rather than turn to Him, you complain and ask help from a human whose mercy and power is incomparable to God’s mercy and power?”

Complaining is viewed as a negative habit in Islam. For anyone facing problems, some positive alternatives to complaining include:

Give in charity, and Allah will resolve your problems.

Make supplication and pray to Allah, while remaining patient, optimistic, good-natured, and humble.

Complain only to Allah, in solitude.

Increase remembrance and praise of Allah.

The woman who repeatedly reminds her husband of all the favors she has done for him not only risks souring their relationship, but also loses the spiritual rewards that are gained from selfless giving. When doing kind acts, one should be seeking solely the pleasure of Allah, and should not want anything in return nor expect everlasting gratitude from people. Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) warned of three types of people whom Allah will neither look at nor speak to on the Day of Resurrection: the unkind to parents, the one who reminds others of gifts he/she has given them, and the one who sells merchandise by swearing false oaths. (Muslim)

A woman who constantly compares her spouse to another man creates friction in the relationship. This common scenario is counter-productive in marriages: Why can’t you be as generous as our neighbor — as humorous as my best friend’s husband — as sensitive as my sister’s husband — or spend as much time with the kids as my brother does with his kids? Constructive advice is helpful — not comparing and pinpointing faults.
Demanding the finer things and luxuries that a man simply cannot afford places a heavy strain on the relationship; not all men have a six-digit pay-check or a thriving family business. Some women even drive their husbands into debt for a new wardrobe every time the fashion changes or a designer bag or jewelry or showy furniture. The Holy Qur’an instructs Muslims, {and waste not by extravagance, verily He (Allah) likes not Al-Musrifin (those who waste by extravagance)}. Surah 6, verse 141
Obsessing over looks, spending too much time and money on cosmetics and makeovers may lead a woman to become conceited and self-centered. Physical appearance should not be the prime concern in any relationship. Islam does not condone a woman for taking care of herself, as long as she strives for inner beauty and piety in addition to outer beauty. In fact, a woman is encouraged to dress nicely and wear perfume for her husband, but physical appearance and looks should not take precedence over character and kind treatment.

The woman who always dominates the conversation, interrupts frequently, refuses to listen, and insists that only her opinion is of any value will run into problems not only with her husband but also with friends and colleagues. It is interesting to think that God gave us two ears and one mouth, possibly so we can listen more than we speak. Everyone has flaws, and a bad habit is just that: a habit; and a habit can be changed. With rising divorce rates in the Kingdom, one should be more willing to take a truthful look at individual habits, try to change for the better, and nurture the marital relationship.
Reports show that in the Kingdom in the year 2013, there were 82 divorces per day.

Divorce can sometimes be a mercy as it is a lawful escape from a bad marriage. However, high divorce rates can also debilitate a society. The family is the most important building block of a healthy society. It provides educational, financial, and emotional support of its members, creating productive, healthy individuals who will build a thriving society. Children of divorced parents often experience psychological stress that hinders their academic performance and social and emotional development. High divorce rates can disturb social harmony and even increase crime rates in a society.